This storm is insane today…but beautiful! The rain is coming down so hard, incredibly windy with hail falling. While running through the parking lot to my car I nearly blew away and am now drenched in water from head to toe. This is the kind of weather I like. There are at least 20 trees surrounding me that have fallen and cracked to the ground. A rarity for Arizona.

I’m getting old..Or maybe I am just getting lame. A random mess of messiness.

NOTE:::: I do not want to abandon this blog completely so here is an update but please check my Tumblr for more updates

I did not realize the day would come so soon for me to feel like I am “getting old” but seeing my sisters this past weekend has made me see myself in a different light. My oldest younger sister is a freshman in high school and she, if I had to categorize her, would say is a “punk-emo” type of girl. When she speaks, it makes me remember when I was in high school (graduated six and a half years ago [2004]) and how stress in my life was based on my parents rules, or being grounded, having a curfew etc etc. High school is a time where most of us experience a lot of “firsts”.  My other little sister is in the sixth grade and is focused on reading books [a nerd like me ;)] she likes anime and video games. When you’re older, you don’t have much time for any of those things. The only reason I read so much now is because I do not have a job. Weekends for me consist of cleaning cleaning and more cleaning, getting things done, running to the bank, laundry, cooking, taking care of my boyfriend’s two kids. Oh, also putting in solid Nintendo Wii time with the kids haha (that is what I did this weekend) ANYWAY, I know my sisters are busy with their lives, they don’t text much even when I blow up their phones. Sometimes I see myself as the “old uncool person” Even at 24 I can feel this way. I cant figure out if I feel this way because either A. I haven’t partied in a while.. I don’t feel much of a “partier” any more, either. I feel like I have had my fair share of days partying until 6am. My ideal night would be dinner and a movie with my babes, or a small get together with friends just hanging out at home. I like going to clubs but not every weekend. I prefer quiet nights at home… lame alert? Okay, or B. Is it because since I found God last year these things are no longer appealing to me? Don’t get me wrong I am certainly no angel by any means. But as they say, when you truly find the Lord it is then that you search to change your old ways. The old is washed away. Someday I hope I can live a fully straight life. I love going to Christian concerts. I feel that it cleanses my soul and gives me that push to keep on a straight path.
This weekend brought me such sadness. I am not too sure why, but I know it is due partial to me seeing my sisters grow up into their own lives and me not being there completely to see it. I know I have missed a lot. They have grown so much in such a short time. But I don’t think they know how much they mean to me, and how much more I wish I could do for them. Maybe it is the young(er) that make us feel old, or at least recognize our age. When they are all grown and ready to go clubbing, I will be an in my thirties, possibly with children of my own and probably living in a different state.
So, how do we keep our youth? What is the secret to living a youthful life even as we age? The wrinkles are inevitable, granted we can slow the process, but regardless, in due time they will come. Is it finding the youth of our soul and holding it tight, or loosening up our grip and embracing age as it comes? I haven’t decided yet which one I would rather choose.

video

Because everyone needs inspiration through the power of God

 Momentarily obsessed with True Blood on HBO. If you are like me and cant afford HBO, well then you can check out the episodes on these two sites I found: 

tv-links (mega video is usually the only video that works for this site) and also cucirca

In addition to being True Bloods number one Psycho-crazed fan, I am also reading the books by Charlaine Harris. There are nine total books I believe. They are great books that make it impossible to put down. Hence my reasoning for staying up until wee hours of the night.Also:: my vampire teefies shirt! (posted on an earlier entry, sorry for the re-post but it fit perfectly with this entry) 

ALSO: Can some one please do this to my nails? This girl is SO creative:

[[ http://daily-nail.blogspot.com ]]

Going back to school!!!

Well after much thought, we are going back to school!! For now I am just taking one or two classes until January (that way I am in the system and all my previous schooling ie: grades classes etc, transfer over) I WISH I could start full time this semester but I have to work full time to pay off some debt, and catch up on bills, and apply for student loans. I am so excited for January to start! After 2 years at MCC (Mesa Comm College) I will transfer to ASU and (Good Lord willing!) join the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism. I am just so excited to FINALLY have the opportunity to go back to school and do something I love. Two and a half years ago I dropped out of college at PVCC to get a second job and pay bills..Now here I am still not in school and completely unmotivated. I need to get back out there and make something of myself. I've realized I am not going anywhere and  I need to do something that is going to make me proud of where I am going. Wish me all luck on this new and exciting (and I'm sure a bit stressful) journey for the next several years. If anyone has any advise for me regarding school, loans, study habits or just anything in general please, feel free to share the knowledge!

a little this and a little that.

These last few weeks have been pretty rough, emotionally. Losing a friend (due to a falling out) is always hard. God wants us to move on because he has a reason behind everything but the moving part is always rough. I think the hardest part for me is waiting and assuming. I think, am I worrying and sad, and she isn't at all? I don't understand why I have to worry so much because in all honesty she may not even be thinking of me or the situation at all. Or maybe she is? I suppose now I am just waiting for time to heal all. I submitted my very first prayer request to MY FLR and surprisingly it lifted a HUGE weight off my shoulders. (even if they don't get to my prayer request) In the mean time, I need to worry about my friends that are there for me. It is true that when one door closes another one opens. Shortly after "the incident" I have been kept SO busy between work and my personal life+friends. There is a lot going on in May. Last weekend was a busy weekend. I ironically ran into my old good friend Cindy (yet again) on Mill Ave on a corner. Her and I keep crossing paths (as I mentioned in an earlier entry) and this is just one more way of God reminding me that certain friends are meant to stay and others to go. Not to mention my other good long friends Amber and Sara came over last night and it was SO great seeing them again. Turns out, Sara lives three minutes away from me and I never knew. I look forward to my future ahead as long as I keep my eye on Christ. 
Work has been going great. I won two contests at work because of my stats. (YEAH!!) and tomorrow Jesse and I are going to see Phil Wickham in concert (for the second time) I am stoked. I found out Flyleaf is also coming in concert but it just so happens to be the same day as Phil Wickham  :( What are the odds?!  

Anyway, I am out for the day. May life bring us all happiness!

Steady as she goes...

I have not updated in so long! Jesse has a job now and slowly life is starting to get back on track. For a while there I thought Jesse and I were for sure going to have to move into his parents' house - OY! I like my space. Jesse and I have made it a habit to go to Church every Sunday and not just to say that we go for credits up in heaven, but to grow our relationship with God. Reading your bible really DOES help you grow and become closer with the Lord. I am so thankful that I have someone like Jesse in my life to answer really all questions I have. And we both actually love going to church. Who would have thought I would actually ENJOY going to church? Times are truly changing.

Some good news: I have been working for my job now for almost two years and have struggled the whole time with trying to move up, and getting upset that I cant move up because I feel like management doesn't like me etcetc blahhhblahhhh. Well, the last (roughly) two months I decided to surrender myself to the lord and leave my life in his hands, and let him take me wherever he wants. I gave up trying to analyze why I am not moving up and why it will never happen. I prayed to God that he give me a sign if I am meant to work with my current job, or simply consider it a loss and move on. Then, last week God gave me that sign I asked for! I was called into the office by management and they told me that I have made a HUGE improvement in the last month or so and to keep it up because when something opens up they will consider me for that position. They also said I made a night and day transformation.. I am so happy that others can see my transformation because I really do feel like a new person, almost like I am re born again. I thought I would never be able to change their (management) minds about me but I guess they really like the new me! God is doing great things in my life right now and as long as I keep up this new attitude of mine I know he will add great things to my life. I don't feel as negative anymore, and the things that use to bother me no longer do. I feel like there are bigger fish to fry.

I fail tests

I feel like lately my happiness and patience has been tested to its limits. This last year I have been put in situations I never thought I would face, or at least not this early in my life. I mingled through life with lots of friends, and anywhere I went it seemed like people always surrounded me. Lately, I just cant seem to get along with ANYONE! Today for example I got in an argument with this girl from work. We exchanged words and now I am worried my job is on the line. This has not been the only time that my buttons have been pushed by a co-worker. My fuse is short. Normally I am patient and can just put things behind me. I feel like maybe I have been doing that for too long. This is me standing up for myself and not letting others walk all over me. I wish I could keep my lid shut rather than going off on a tangent, but I just can't seem to do that anymore.
I have tried turning to God for some guidance on my resentment with work but I feel like the drive just isn't there. Perhaps I feel like there is no up when I am down? I wish I could easily move on from a place where I am not completely satisfied, but it is not that simple. I get stuck in a routine and now I am at a road block that has me choosing left or right? Diagonal or straight? I could go this way or that. I am still trying to figure out what I want from this life, but when I think about it, I get frustrated and then try to think of something else, telling myself that I will think about it later. Kind of like a chore or a list of something to do (I write LOTS of "to-do"/"to-buy" lists)
I am stuck on when and if I should go back to school. And if so for what? I could pick up where i left off of from journalism, or I was thinking about working for a radio station. I know I would LOVE something like that. Or do I go in a direction that is least favored, but something that the economy will need such as nursing. I have a lot to decide and a lot to think about. I will keep you informed on my decision.

New Hair

I got my hair cut - seven inches at least.  I love the length and how light weight it feels. It is a nice change since I have had long hair for so long. And the best part was that it was spontanious! The girl that cut my hair was so good I just told her to keep cutting!


The last month has brought a lot of changes. Mostly with personal relationships. My mom and I are finally speaking again after six months or so. Obviously I am happy about that. My bigbig brother and I have bonded a lot more in the last few weeks as well. And my sister in law and I have also gotten much much closer. We had a girls night with her two girl friends and went down to mill ave - bar/club hopped and I had so much fun!  I hope these friendships continue to stay on this path because I am starting to feel much happier. Not to mention my dad and I call each other more often then before. Since we have had Jesse's kids I have bonded so well with his daughter specifically. I feel like her and I are starting to have that mother daughter connection which is an amazing feeling. She really looks up to me in a postive way. She is attached to my hip! Really spending time with her and talking to her and doing things with her sure has made a difference! The funny part is, she sees me blog and wants to start one of her own. She cracks me up. This year has already been rocky with the eceonomy situation but aside from that, things are really starting to look up! I would really like to start looking for a new job. Anyone have any ideas? I dont forsee myself moving up anytime soon considering a number of reasons. I have no clue where to even look though.

Here's a silly before picture of my hair

You are much too small for me, world.

If there is one thing I am sure we can all agree on, it's that finances make the world go 'round.
As a Christian I am learning to be happy with what I have, because it is a lot more than what most people can say they have. I have my job [a lot of people cant say they have that] I have my health [a few years ago my health was horrible - in and out of the doctors, hospitals etc] I have a roof over my head, and even if I lost my "roof" I know there is always someone I can turn to until I get back on my feet. However, without having a substantial amount of money I know for me I feel trapped. I feel like I am stuck in the confounds of my home. I feel like I am not able to be the free bird that I want to be. For one, I LOVE to travel! If I could make it my career I would! Obviously though, that involves money. Which sort of brings me to what everyone is talking about. The Economy!!! It is hard to do what you want to do when for one, jobs are scarce. And the little jobs that ARE offered, at least 200 people pounce on and you are lucky to get a call back for even a second interview or a "better luck next time." I know for me, my family is hurting in this economy. My opinion is that it is NOT going to get better any time soon. I pray to God I am wrong. After following the news and reading my bible I just don't have high hopes for this economy. What I think would help the economy is not what the government thinks would help. For one, bring out-sourcing back to America. Right? And another thought would be to lower prices! Hello, no one can still afford to get their nails done for $40 or even afford to buy a car at these prices!
Last weekend I went out and got a breathe of fresh air. It was something in the 70s for the temperature and it felt AMAZING out. Jesse and I talked about the economy issue and what we thought the near future held for our Country. I thought, man, I would LOVE to get out of this Country and move elsewhere, away from it "all." Away from the boundaries that we are all given. Away from this stress, and this mundane life of working and paying bills and working and filing taxes. It really stinks not ever being able to stop and enjoy this life, or the beauty on this Earth. As "free" as our Country is, we are also locked down to certain boundaries that make us "think" we are "free" only because of the amount of space we are given vs the amount of space other countries aren't given. After I thought about how crappy the U.S. is doing right now and how our government is like a bunch of loose cannons, it made me realize I would love to get away from here. But which Country would I go to? Hmm... I couldn't think of any other halfway decent country that I know I would like. (NO, not even Canada - not a big fan!) Sad that our world is SO large, and yet there is no where to turn.
On a more spiritual level, I wish I could leave this Earth and it's misery that has recently come of it. When you start to learn about God, you realize how useless all of this is. The materials, the job you work at (because usually that is all that it is, a job) the driving, the talking... To me it's the fun times that matter the most. The simple enjoyments out of life, such as hiking the Grand Canyon, or traveling to the buatiful wonders on this Earth, or spending time with the people you love. Unfortunately these moments are rare. Too bad we couldn't just head to another planet right?! When I think of all that is to come of this world, and all that already is happening, I just wish I could pack my bags and say "peace out, I'm headed to perfection!" Although, we know that wont come until the very end of our journey here on this Earth.