WARNING - THIS MAY BE A SNOOZE TO MOST OF YOU. AND I MAKE NO APOLOGIES FOR YOUR BOREDOM.
So originally I had planned on this blog to be dedicated to my writing and also my journey to finding god, and my thoughts surrounded around that. I have ALOT to learn. And ALOT to express. I got off track and posted a bunch of random entries (which I will be deleting soon, I already deleted a few) I will be transferring that sort of stuff to my tumblr. I post a bunch of my random one-liners to twitter. Some clever and some - not so much.
I have been reading up lately on the singer from Flyleaf - Lacey Mosley - and just a few moments ago I watched her tesimony interview. She was hard core into drugs at only the age of 10. Flyleaf is a Christian band and only recently have I started to
really pay attention to their lyrics. I am pretty in love at this moment. Lacey is such a beautiful girl. in some ways (mostly when she speaks ie:her mouth) she reminds me of my good friend Amber. (totally a good thing) My current favorite song is
AGAIN. A few other (Christian) bands of my favorite are barlow girl and Phil Wickham.
So when I watched Laceys testimoy, it made me think that I have one of my own. First, I wanted to share testimony about a co worker of mine whos story TRUELY touched my heart. (I dont mind sharing because I wont name names and she doesnt even know my blog exists) Lets call her
Jane. So Jane had said she had a horrible upbringing. She wasnt even supposed to be alive. Her mom had tried to abort her twice. God still had a purpose for her in this world and so she was born. Because of this her mom tortured her. Jane did not give me too many specifics however she did say that one time she was in the backyard, and her mom had poured gasoline all over her. Her sister was screaming in the background, yelling at their mom to stop. And she wouldnt, until finally her mom
did stop. Over the years the tortur made her realize she was not worth it. No one cared about her, so why should she? Jane said that she got involved heavly into drugs. While on a drug binge she could not come down off from meth. It had been a couple weeks straight I believe (if not more) that she had been taking meth and whatever else her and her friend could get a hold of. As they had come to the end of their supply, her friend was making her food. She needed to eat something as she hadnt been eating. Jane remembered her eyes roll to the back of her head and then in an instant she was out. She said she had felt a dark presence over her. A near death expierence. She remembers she felt very alone, and as if she were being taken under, it was dark. She felt incredibly scared. In just a moment she heard a (mans) voice say "This is not what I created you for" and BAM she was back to and she saw the ambulance surrounding her. Jane said that she was an extremist. And this made her change her life around completely.
Of course, she would tell this story better than I but I remember her telling me this on lunch break and I got chills all over my body. I just had to share this. Her testimony is a powerful one.
Mine is not as strong at this one, but still a testimony at that.
I was not born into knowing god. My parents did not enforce it. We never went to chruch. I was blind growing up. As they say, I had the vail covering my lovely green eyes. At a quick glance, my life was not the greatest, but I had a strong connection with my family. Not so much my father though because of his alcoholic ways and verbally abusive slander. During my life, particularly my twenties, I drank a lot. Mostly the weekends and occasionly the weekday. I tried a few different types of drugs. I never made it an addicting habbit that surrounded my life, but I did
try them. My current boyfriend is a believer in Christ. At the beginning of our relationship he tried to turn me into a believer. I was completely against God. I wanted nothing to do with him. I even had a bad religion sign hanging from my rear view mirror. The one with the cross and a line marked through it. With time, I came around. On the way to work I would listen to the gospel stations (air1.com being my favorite). One song made my heart turn to mush. I wish I could remember the name of that song because in a way, it changed me. It turned my curiousity for God into a love for God.
They say when you turn to God, you lose your family and your friends. And boy are they right! I have expiernced the rough times, and I have expierenced the blessings.
First, for the downward spiral that is my relationship with my family. I mentioned that i had a close relationship with my family. After accepting Jesus Christ as my personal lord and savior, slowing one by one I began to lose all contact with anyone I was close to. I do not talk to my mom or step dad due to a falling out. It's not that we don't talk
because I
now believe in God, but in other ways God pulled them from me. My mom and step dad, as much as they want to deny this, are infact alcoholics. My mom may not be so much anymore now that she found a job so correct me if I am wrong in saying that about her. But I find it ironic that slowly God pulled those people from me. Even though they are my parents God says he comes first above all else.
Non believers would not understand what this means. And hence, the warning label at the beginning of my entry. Anyways, due to this falling out, which is a long story, I am unable to see my little sisters. And my (step) brother no longer makes the attempt to talk to me either. So head count right now is at 5.
I miss my bff/brother mark, but I feel like he just sees me as this Jesus worshiper that he no longer has anything in common with, and therefore he discludes me from his life. We dont hang out as much as we use to for a number of reasons, he says one being distance. Infact, we have not hung out in like [and I mean just us] in like 6/7 months or so. headcount: 6
In the summer time I moved to Chandler and so my journey to finding God did not help my relationships with family/friends any. I lost many a many friends. I am not as close to them as I was. I feel at times secluded from my life I knew at the beginning of the year. When you find God you really do lose A LOT of people in your life, but I never knew it would be to the extreme like this. My family doesnt get along AT ALL with my boyfriend. Since my journey, I feel like I dont even know people that I use to know. I feel so distant from them. So apart. I have been attacked, black sheeped more than ever this year. I am normally "the life of the party" "the center of attention" so this has been INCREDIBLY hard on me. People I didnt think would, have turned their backs on me. 2009 made an empty shell for me to lie in. It has been an overwhelming year. (not to mention my Uncle's passing this year) While my fam is all going through the motions I am off to the side trying to put together all the pieces of the year that made me so incredibly sad.
I fear of saying too much because I dont want to start any arguments, but in a nutshell there you have it.
I do not want to give the impression that i know it all because I don't. I have barely made a dent in what I am about to learn. I still drink but not to the extent of every weekend. I do not have the passion or the fire to drink. It it weird how that kind of goes away. And I am not going to lie - dedicating yourself is incredibly difficult because of all the temptations.
There is one girl that I feel God brought me back to:: her name is Cindy. We hadnt spoken in like a year and a half, maybe two years. And ironically we were brought back into contact, and over dinner we realized we were both pretty much at the same point spritually in our lives. I turned from a non believer to a believer, and we both attend church now. I think God brought us back together because we were good friends then, lost touch, and now that I am on a different path, he brought her back to me. I think its wonderful <3
NOTE: I did want to add that I have talked to my mom a few times as well as my step dad, and things seems to be getting slightly better. With time I am sure things will heal.
Lit Christmas Tree
